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Melissa's Seasonal Journal
Did you ever wonder HOW someone makes the journey
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Hello, my name is Melissa.
I’m a client of Kelly’s. My life has been changed because of Kelly Bliss and her gentle and encouraging voice. I never thought I could feel good about myself until I was thin. Through a lot of soul searching and tuning “in” to myself , finally I can say I do feel good-inside and out!! Here are a few journal entries from the past few years that I thought would be helpful to you if you struggle with your body image . Writing in a journal has really helped me to sort a lot of things out in my life. I find great comfort in writing. It’s like therapy for me. Hopefully after reading my thoughts, you will not feel so alone. There is help out there for you. Give yourself the gift of self care and love. YOU deserve it!
SUMMER when I was 29 years old
I think to myself, how can I go on hating my body and how I look?? Is there some other way to feel good about myself without jumping on the band wagon of the next latest fad diet? It’s sad to spend my days wishing and hoping that I’ll see thinner and happier one day.
Will that day ever get here? I know in my heart it’s not good to focus so much of my energy on hating my body. But I feel completely stuck in a rut. I’m going to set out to find a better way to deal with my emotions. I plan to look for a therapist to help me learn to love myself. I wonder if there is anyone out there for me?
Well, believe it or not I think I’ve found what I’m looking for!! Kelly Bliss and she’s located very close by. Her focus seems to be about self care not self hate. I like her already. I’m joining a class called Healthy Eating which meets once a week to get to the heart of why we eat to make ourselves feel better.
I went to my first class. I used to think I was the only one out there, but Thank God, I’m not. To know that many other women feel the same as me was very comforting. When it was my turn to speak about why I was there, I just lost it and started to cry!!! I was so emotional. It was actually a relief to feel understood for the first time in my life! I cried too because of all the years of dieting and putting myself down were about to come to an end.
FALL when I was 29 years old
The healthy eating class has changed my life completely! I went to my cousin’s wedding last week and actually danced for the first time in years. I felt so alive and free and attractive. Finally after 12 weeks of soul searching and tuning into myself, I have begun the journey to accepting my body. This does not mean I don’t want to improve myself, it just means I can look in the mirror and think I look OK. I’m on my way.
WINTER when I was 29 years old
It’s funny this whole self acceptance thing. Some days I feel really successful and other days I just feel FAT!!! I mean who can blame me with all the magazines emphasizing being thin and celebrities are thinner than they have ever been. It’s difficult to grasp the concept of not dieting. Kelly focuses on the fact that your body knows what’s good for it even when we choose to overindulge. Everybody knows Oreos and chips aren’t good for you. I don’t need to count points to know I’m full. I’ve been trying to include more fruits and veggies in my diet. Surprisingly, I feel so much better when I’m eating better. Junk really does make me feel like junk.
Maybe I should start looking into my life instead of my refrigerator for satisfaction when I’m feeling down. Now that I’m allowing myself to feel my emotions, I’m better able to deal with them without turning to food. But as I stated I used to turn to food for comfort. Now I’m starting to turn to myself and the support of my family and friends.
SPRING when I was 29 years old
I’m still struggling with the non dieting aspect. Whenever I’m feeling chunky or undesirable, a diet seems like the natural cure. Although now I know it only leaves me feeling worse in the end when I resort to binge eating.
SUMMER when I was 30 years old
I’m very stressed about money which causes me to eat. I can always tell the state of my emotional health by the foods I’m choosing. Right now I’m not eating too healthy. I’m a teacher so I have off for the summers and money is tight. I should try to find a better paying job but I think I secretly feel insecure.
I’m great at what I do where I am now. Could I be that good at another school? Basically I’m pretty comfortable and not real confident about moving on.
My body image still plays a major role in my confidence. I hate to admit it but I think a thinner person would have a better chance than me.
Thank God I love to exercise. That’s never been an issue for me. Good thing or I’d be even chubbier. The eating part is not so easy.
FALL when I was 30 years old
A new school year is always a challenge and exciting at the same time. I hope I’ll always love what I do. It’s one of the most fulfilling parts of my life. The kids just love me and I feel blessed to be such an influence in their lives. It’s been over a year since I first met Kelly Bliss. Boy, she really gives me a lot to think about. I’m seeing her regularly and it helps to have someone to talk with who isn’t a friend or family member. It’s also great because she has been there before.
Her life story is nothing short of amazing. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons. Kelly is an inspiration to me and all the people in her exercise classes.
I’ve been going to her classes twice a week, along with working out with weights at my local gym. There’s nothing like a good workout to sort out whatever is going on in life. I believe a strong body makes a strong mind and heart.
WINTER when I was 30 years old
Sad things keep happening- a close friend’s suicide, cancer etc… How can I deal with all this? I have definitely dropped the ball when it comes to self care.
My needs go right out the door when someone close to me is suffering. I have to learn to help without losing myself. I turned thirty this year which didn’t make me feel any better at all. Will I ever get married, have a family and feel accomplished in my personal life?
I’ve been a long term girlfriend for too many years now.
It’s time to move on – with him or without him? I don’t know. I feel depressed and lonely. Lately, I’ve been eating to numb my feelings and to just not deal with anything. My cholesterol is up and I’m sure my blood pressure is too!
SPRING when I was 30 years old
Shortly after the healthy eating class, I was no longer feeling full after every meal. I could say OK I’m full and satisfied, I can stop eating now.
Recently, I was eating and I couldn’t stop. I mean I was full and I just kept right on stuffing my face as if I would never eat again. When I came back to reality I had to sit for awhile and say to myself,“what is going on here?”
I know now it is NOT at all about the food. It’s about me and my life. Kelly said something very interesting in class the other night. Negative body thoughts are never about your body. The important part is finding out what they are about. That’s the challenge in life.
At least it is for me. So days I feel completely good and productive, other days I just want to cry.
SUMMER when I was 31 years old
Well, it’s time for me to make some changes in my life regarding my emotional health and well being. I just cannot stay in a relationship where I’m doing all the work to keep it together. I’m scared to try to make it on my own but I feel confident I can do it!!!
Since my body image is improved, I feel I can do just about anything. I no longer need the approval of anyone. I decided to leave the comfort of a relationship going no where and just be on my own. One day I will find a person who sees me for the caring, dedicated person I am. I deserve that
I know what’s inside makes a person beautiful. If I work on that instead of focusing all my attention on my body, I am so much happier. There are still days when I feel less than cute, but I no longer sit around with my friends putting myself down about losing weight. If you think about it, complaining and self loathing never got anyone anything. It certainly didn’t work for me all these years. When I hear that voice inside that says, “you are chubby and worthless” I now answer it back by saying very loud and clear SHUT UP! The stronger my voice is, the fainter the negative voice becomes in my head. I once heard a motivational speaker say DO NOT GIVE THE NEGATIVE VOICE A MICROPHONE. That saying has always stuck with me and I often say it to my friends when they are putting themselves down. Now they say it to me too!
Not focusing on body thoughts and dieting has helped my relationships to grow. I am a source of inspiration to many of my friends and that feels so better than eating a sundae ever did. I no longer count points or write down everything I eat. Who has time for that anyway? I’m too busy enjoying life.
FALL when I was 31 years old
Well, I’m living on my own and loving it! I need to work on my budget but I’ll make it work somehow. I feel like I could climb a mountain . Nothing can bring me down. I believe I have the strength to handle just about anything. I always say to my class OK there’s a problem, we can handle it, we’ll find the solution! It’s a great lesson for them to learn early in life. Things won’t always be easy but with problem solving and coping skills a person can get through anything. Supportive friends and family are important too. It took me awhile in life to learn that it is OK to walk away from a friendship or relationship that isn’t good for you. It’s not selfish.
I wish everyone could feel this way-alive and capable of reaching the stars!
WINTER when I was 31 years old
It’s Christmas time- my favorite time of the year. I’m at such a great place in my life which makes the lights seem even brighter and the sights and sounds even more beautiful this year. I’m just enjoying all the things I am so thankful for in my life. It’s a relief to not worry about eating a few extra cookies and giving myself a break once in awhile. I feel blessed to have such a positive feeling about what the future holds for me. Now I know I don’t have to be skinny to do all the things I want in life. That’s the best Christmas gift I could ever give myself. Happy New Year!!
WINTER when I was 32 years old
Well, a lot has been going on in my life. I’ve been struggling with trying to navigate through the beginning of a new relationship, dealing with past insecurities and trying to maintain my identity as a strong, confident woman even if this doesn’t work out in the end .
I started seeing a guy from work. He’s younger and absolutely adorable. We’re both teachers in the same grade school. He kept coming into my classroom for many weeks and I just thought he was friendly. Then we started creating reasons to see each other and talk to each
Co-workers even noticed that something was going on between us. So the story begins. One day we went to an afterschool workshop together then out to eat afterwards. We talked for hours about everything from family to work to our hopes for the future.
After many hours of great connected conversation, we moved over to the bar and continued talking. We were sitting very close to each other and it was so sweet. The moment couldn’t have been more perfect if I planned it. We went back to his house and finally kissed. I could’ve kissed him all night long and couldn’t wait to kiss him again. The next day at school we couldn’t stop smiling and all the teachers were singing love songs in the hallways.
I have to admit I was blushing and quite surprised how much I was enjoying all this attention.
I was so nervous before he arrived. My insecurities set in. God, what if I have nothing to say or we feel uncomfortable? I decided to take a deep breathe and get a grip. I decorated my house all cute with hearts and candles. I got my romantic slow songs cds out and waited for him to arrive. I couldn’t even think, I was so nervous. When he arrived at my door, all my fears went away. Whenever I looked at his face, I can’t help but feel happy. Plus, he had a dozen beautiful roses and chocolate covered strawberries that he made himself.
I won’t bore you with any more details but the fairy tale ended shortly after it began. I was heart broken to say the least. In the beginning he was very unconcerned about our age difference. Just when I let go of worrying about it, he dropped the bomb- this could never work out because we’re in different places in life. I knew deep down that he was right but it still hurt.I had built this romance up to be much more than it actually was from the beginning.When it didn’t work out I had a complete break down to put it lightly. I could not deal with the disappointment of this at all. So I called upon my friends and family to help me through this tough time. From this experience I learned the importance of holding on to myself while trying to connect with another person. It is so easy to get sooo excited about a possible heart connection that reality becomes cloudy.
After having a few sessions with Kelly, I learned that I need to protect my heart from getting that wrapped up so soon. If I hadn’t invested so much of my heart, I wouldn’t have been so devastated. I need more evidence before I can give my heart away. Hopefully next time, I will use what I learned from this experience.
SPRING when I was 32 years old
This self care stuff isn’t always so easy! Sometimes I am put to the test. Recently I went on a blind date. We had talked on the phone many nights and seemed to have a lot in common. I thought he was my “perfect” match. We met for dinner and really hit it off. Afterwards we went out for a drink. The conversation was great and the chemistry was definitely there!! We talked for hours about many topics from politics to relationships to our dreams for the future.
Then a bomb shell happened, later in the night he said, “ is there anything about me that surprised you after meeting me?” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this question. I answered, “ no you’re exactly what I expected.” However I felt the need to continue by saying “ Is there something that surprised you about me? What came next would’ve crushed me years ago. He said, “I’m surprised that you’re not skinny. On the phone you talk with such confidence that I expected you to be skinny and you said you work out at least 5 times a week. I never found myself attracted to a person with a “few extra pounds” before tonight.” Part of me wanted to say I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, PLEASE LIKE ME!!! But my true self answered back to him by saying, “ Listen Honey, if my weight is a problem, it’s your problem NOT mine. You’re right I am confident, I DO exercise regularly and I am not skinny.” He went on and on about how he didn’t mean to offend me and I went on to say I worked hard to feel good about myself and I don’t need ANYONE to put down my body as if it’s a flaw of mine. Our date ended shortly after that and we never saw each other again.
Although I was sad to let go of the potential I thought we had, I knew he wasn’t by any means the “perfect” match for me. He is a superficial guy and shallow too.
The point of sharing this story is to express how important it is to keep your own identity when searching for a boyfriend, husband, partner etc… It’s too easy to lose a little bit of yourself as you meet people and try to find love. Everyone is searching for a “soft” place to fall when times get tough. In order to find that, you must accept and love yourself first before you can expect or hope for someone to love you.
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