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Sally's Intermittent Journal

Did you ever wonder HOW someone makes the journey
FROM body critical dieting TO self-care and self-acceptance? 
How the heck did they do that?! Read on and see ...

Please email me if you are interested
Note: A discount rate is available for Journaling Clients!

Sally: Spring when I was 38

Hi Kelly,   I've been reading your website the last few days during my new temp job (which is very slow).  I wanted to contact you again to see if we can arrange for some sort of coaching.   

During the last two years, i was supposed to be getting thin to start my career.  I now weigh about 395lbs and have not been singing.  How do you think i did???   Last March, I joined Curves, LA Fitness and Weight Watchers.  I lost 45 lbs over about 8 months and really did feel and look so much better.  I bought new clothes and began to have fun with looking stylish.   

Unfortunately, i am a binge eater and try as I may to count those dreaded WW points, i would often binge.  When the volcano blows with me, it blows big.  In the beginning, i forced myself to continue exercising, no matter what.  I found a supportive online friend and we would write to each other daily.  It was the greatest support i have ever known and really kept me going.  But, my friend lost the rest of her weight, 160+lbs., got a boyfriend and i haven't heard from her in months.    I never realized the depth of support i need until i lost Mary.  Soon enough, I stopped exercising, began to switch WW meetings, felt lost, felt like a ship without a rudder.  I binged non-stop, sunk into a depression and finally quit WW. 

In a month or two, i gained back 50+ lbs, more than i had lost in 8 months.     I feel so humiliated.  I told everyone, "This is 'it'!  I'm going to do it!".   I've been yo-yo dieting since i am about 8 years old.  And I'm still doing it.  Even on WW.   I?m close to 400lbs now.  I?m the kind of person who could easily get to 500lbs.  That scares me.   

Dear Journal,

I had seen Kelly as a therapist once before, a few years ago.  I had done about 10 sessions with her, and never looked at the little paper notes she would make up for me.  I’d throw them into a basket and would never look at them again. 

While I was taking very little action and initiative to apply what she was teaching me, I was secretly finding fault with her.  I was angry at her that I wasn’t changing.  I felt like there was no ‘follow through’ from her.  Why wasn’t she asking me if I read her notes?  Why wasn’t she asking me if I implemented them?  Why wasn’t she being tough with me, expecting a lot from me and pushing me to do it?  Why wasn’t she monitoring me like I expected she would?  Why wasn’t she telling me what to eat and what not to?  I wasn’t looking for any more insight, I wanted a ‘sergeant’.  I knew I couldn’t succeed with her ‘process’.  I don’t have time to wait around for things to change, I wanted change now!

In my impatience, I quit my work with Kelly and joined Weight Watchers.  I really, really believed deep down that “this was IT”.  I even told everyone that.  “This is IT,” I’d say.  “This is the last and final diet.  This is IT.” That summer I worked hard at Weight Watchers and within weeks of following the point plan and exercising daily at Curves and LA Fitness, I lost almost 40 lbs within a month. 

I might have been able to continue with that success, had I been another person with a different history.  But I couldn’t continue succeeding.  Something gnawed at me.  I began to binge eat.  My Weight Watchers habits were tougher and tougher to implement.  The rules were so strict, if I bent one, my world came crashing down and I was sent right to the food to binge until I couldn’t eat anymore.  Sometimes I would gain 9 or 10 lbs in a week from binging.  My Weight Watchers leader would berate me, “Sally, you gotta start getting serious.”  I felt so victimized.  “But it’s not my fault!  I can’t stop binging!”  I felt more and more hopeless.  Weight Watchers provided tons of structure, but little insight into why I couldn’t stop binge eating.  I also found that my leader provided little positive support.  I knew she didn’t even like me and felt like I was a bother to her and a thorn in her side.  Weeks I lost over 13 lbs., she was proud of herself for me.  I was the star of the class.  Something she said must have done it!  Weeks I put that 13 lbs. back on, I embarrassed her, and she shunned me in class.  I soon began to feel so pathetic.  Fat or thin, I just wanted to be loved for ME.   

Soon, I went searching for a new Weight Watchers group and another and another.  It got to the point where I had no home meeting, no steady leader - no one who simply cared for me and me alone.  I ept trying, kept finding new meetings, kept seeking someone, anyone who would lead or inspire me and I came up empty every time.   

Nothing worked.  I felt lost.  I felt invisible in those meetings.  I’d listen to the information provided and I’d go home and binge.  Why?  Because I could.  No one cared.  Not even me.  There was a time when a meeting would inspire me to get back on track.  Now, the meetings had completely stopped motivating me at all.  Every week I went I now continued to gain.  The shame was overwhelming.  What the hell was I doing here.  No one cared.  No one pulled me aside and said, “What’s going on, honey?”  I felt hungry for love and support and I was invisible and a pathetic obese binge eater.

I now found fault with the Weight Watcher program.  Where was the one-on-one attention I so desperately needed?  Where was the backup plan when you started to slip?  Why was all of this attention being placed on weight loss and weight gain?  Why couldn’t someone just help me make small changes in my diet that I could maintain?  Why couldn’t someone help me to stop binging?  Why did I even have to get weighed when I’ve gained 5 weeks in a row and was soon to re-reach my initial start weight???   

All in all, I had lost nearly 50 lbs. in Weight Watchers and by the 6th or 7th month of membership there, I was out hundreds of dollars and I had gained back 47 lbs.  I was soon to realize that nothing had changed in my eating habits.  The binging was not any better.  In fact, it was worse.  Now I was binging not some of the time.  Now it was all of the time, several times a day in humongous amounts.  It was like I was on a suicide mission, a free for all.  I recognized NO INTERNAL LIMITS within myself.  No one could stop me.  Not even me.

Exercising, although I had enjoyed it when I first started Weight Watchers, was now a non-issue.  Binging and working out did not go together.  It was ALL or NOTHING for me.  Either I worked out faithfully and dieted perfectly.  Or I dropped it all like a hot potato. 

I now felt so disgusted with myself, my eating, my body and my life.  And I was angry.  Angry of having had to work so hard at dieting and exercising, and look where it got me???  I was worse off than before. 

I was getting heavier and heavier, now approaching 400lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself.  What happened to ‘This is it” attitude I held concerning Weight Watchers?  What happened to that belief?  It was gone.  Having failed at Weight Watchers again (probably the 20th time in my lifetime), I knew I could never go back on it, or on another diet, for that matter. 

I wrote Kelly an email and poured out my heart and soul to her.  I knew she remembered me.  I had written her over the years and always knew she was there, when I was ready to try her process and give up dieting for good.  I told her how miserable I felt this time and how out of control I was with the food and asked her if I thought she could help me.  She resounded, “YES.” 

Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I had made the right decision.  I knew that from reading her website, her book, from our previous therapy together, she had everything I needed.  I just knew that I needed to ‘try’ again.  Maybe I would be different?

This time in our therapy, something is radically different. And I think what is different is ME.  I’m actually committed.  I know there is no other solution.  No other diet.  No other guru.  No other therapist for me except the one I am so grateful to have – Kelly Bliss.

Don’t think because I’m ‘committed’ that it has been an ‘easy’ process, or ‘perfect’ process or even that it has achieved 100% expected results.  The first few weeks, as I mentioned above, I did spectacularly; and I expected that super-high state of achievement to last.  When it did not, the pendulum swung to complete and utter lack of control, misery, depression and a feeling that ‘this wasn’t working.’  I binged until I cried and couldn’t physically eat anymore.  (One night I was so frightened at the amount I had eaten, I slept sitting up.  I knew if I laid down I would choke and end up dead in the morning like Mama Cass.) 

Faithfully, though, I hung in there.  I showed up for therapy.  I never gave up. When the pendulum swung so far out of control, I was in a state of rebellion.  Kelly made me realize it was as if the child in me was testing the ‘internal super parent’ to set harsher and harsher boundaries.  It was when I didn’t allow that to happen by imposing another DIET on myself, that things began to look up.

I said, “Kelly, I’m completely out of control with my eating.  I feel like I want to join Weight Watchers again, but I know I could never stick to it.  I’m miserable and screwing up and I just feel like I need some structure in my life.”

Just saying those words, just identifying what I needed, excited Kelly, “That’s wonderful that you realize what it is you need!”  I didn’t think it was so mind shattering but she did. 

She said I was now telling her what the child in me needed (structure) and I was not giving into the perfectionist needs of my ‘super parent’(applying a diet).  She assured me that I was on the right track and we brain stormed ways I could add ‘baby steps’ of structure to my life, things I could really do and maintain. Note: We invented the Self-Care Card in this session!

Over the next couple of weeks, as my focus on lessening ‘perfection’ and my ‘all or nothing’ mentality, and on adding ‘structure’ and ‘self care’ to my life, the binging decreased.  Of it’s own accord.

It was like someone ‘new’ took over control of my life.  It was no longer that super parent.  And it was also not the rebellious child.  It was like the child in me was growing up and learning to make decisions for herself.  It felt wonderful, and free! 

I no longer felt the need to do ‘perfectly’, and sometimes made very good choices often.  When I began to realize physical changes in my body by just eating a tiny bit less and moving a bit more, I realized the process really ‘was’ working.

When I couldn’t do that and I overate, I simply realized how stuffed I felt and I realized how it hindered my physical comfort and how it was so much easier to walk the steps at work if I wasn’t too full.  I knew now how better it felt to eat foods that made me feel lighter and less tired at work.  Next time I felt the freedom to choose those things for myself.  

Since no one was standing over me with a diet, I somehow began to monitor how I felt from what I ate – from the inside out - and began to impose structure on myself, sometimes without even knowing it. 

Just the other day at lunch, I got a sandwich and a pudding.  As I finished the sandwich, I realized, “Heck, I’m satisfied.”  Not stopping there, I continued on to finish the large pudding.  I remarked that it didn’t even taste that good and the portion they serve is like a meal in itself! (I enjoy feeling less stuffed these days.)  The next day at work, I got only the sandwich and it was just enough!  Maybe I’ll search for a sweets option that is not so voluminous as the x-large pudding cups.

Well, this is all to say - - something is working within me. 

Dear Journal,

It seems like a long time since I’ve written. But, from what I’m learning from Kelly, I think that’s okay.  I’m not a super woman, I’m just a girl!!!

Speaking of being ‘superwoman’, the first couple of weeks I started this process with Kelly, I was putting nearly all of my energy into writing and ‘paying attention’ to eating.  Yes, it was an amazing few weeks and I felt a new freedom with food and with myself that I hadn’t had in a long, long time.  But, who could keep up such a regimen of writing multiple page descriptions of my food, thoughts and feelings everyday, day in and day out…without getting a little burnt out? 

After that period of what I can see now was ‘SUPER’ attention paying (driven by my ‘PERFECTIONISTIC INTERNAL SUPER PARENT’), the pendulum swung the opposite direction and I entered into a period of intense rebellion and non-stop binging.  Sure, I knew this way my pattern, to swing from dieting to binging constantly, but I thought all of that intense attention paying would have changed me, for good.  But, it didn’t.  I was back to binging and I had completely lost grip on something wonderful.     

I began to blame the “process”, the therapy with Kelly and thought about quitting. 

Her words from a previous session reverberated in my memory, “I know, Sally, that if you continue with this process and do not give up, you will learn to become so attuned at self-care that you will have no need to binge anymore.” 

Though feeling intensely discouraged, I hung on.  But it was hard.  I felt like the process was NOT working at all, and that I was only proving to myself that I could NEVER be free with food for any extended amount of time.  I wanted to go back to Weight Watchers and forget about all of this supposed internal ‘work’ Kelly and I were doing in our sessions.  I was a hopeless case and no one in the world could help me, not even Kelly.  I was lost. 

Dear Journal,

I just bought 2 peaches.  It’s March, so peaches are not at their best.  They look good from the outside, but as I sank my teeth into the first one, I realized it was disappointingly dry and mushy.  Though, being ME, the worlds greatest compulsive eater, I continued to bite into, chew and swallow the mushy mess.  Until – I remembered my first session phone call with Kelly last night when she directed me to ‘savor’ my food.  She added, “When one bite doesn’t taste as delicious as the previous one, just ask yourself, “Why am I eating this??”. 

As I stared face to face with the mushy peach contemplating another mealy bite, a lightbulb went off in my head and suddenly everything was slow motion.  I noticed myself changing focus.  I pulled back for the long shot of me and this rotten peach, and talking to my sub-par, bland and dry fruit, and I asked myself, “Why the hell am I eating this?” 

The answer came quick and succinct.  “You’re not!” and I chucked half eaten peach-like reject into the trash.  Good for me! Now, I recalled, I had purchased two peaches.  How would the second one fare? 

I chomped in to number 2 and noticed this peaches texture, taste and juiciness were pretty darned impressive for a peach in March.  I gobbled him up!  Then it dawned on me…I forgot to savor the 2nd peach!  It was eaten pretty automatically without paying much attention after I determined that it was ‘good enough’.  

So I had eaten half of a lousy peach and had now downed my second peach.  What does it really matter, though?  Peaches are 1 point on Weight Watchers!  And it’s fiber! Granted, eating an extra peach or two is not going to make me fatter.  But, it’s the ‘point’ of the exercise to learn how to savor food.  I’ve concluded from all of this, that when we’re really ‘present’ and ‘in the moment’ with eating, we’re able to make better choices for ourselves!

Dear Journal,

Something interesting happened with ‘savoring’ this morning that makes me feel, at least, hopeful for the future, if not a overnight success in ‘demand eating.’

It was breakfast time and I was hungry.  Kelly and I talked last night about eating what I wanted for now, without restrictions, and just focusing on ‘savoring’ my food.  If that meant I wanted pizza with ice cream on top for breakfast, so be it! 

I perused the cafeteria and my eyes caught a glimpse of some scrumptious looking sausages, all shiny and smiling at me.  I ordered 3, along with a scrambled egg and cheese.

Seated, I dug into the eggs.  Paying attention to savoring, I took my first bite and noticed they weren’t very delicious.  I make mine better at home. 

Chewing another bite, I realized I was eating the lackluster eggs, just “because.”  Just because.  I was fairly disappointed.  

When I finished the eggs, I anticipated a bite of fat, slippery sausage link.  Mmmm!  My favorite! 

I brought the link past my lips and through my teeth and, biting down, the sausage snapped and squirted juice.  As I chewed, I ‘swirled’ the fatty meat around in my mouth, really paying attention to the sensations. 

Then something awful struck me.  I discovered I hated what I was feeling!  The sensation of the lumpy fat within the link really felt disgusting against my tounge and cheek. 

I was eating the link, but not enjoying it at all! 

Yet, my hand moved automatically from the food to my mouth and back and forth and as I continued to eat, all 3 fat links, regardless of feeling ‘turned off’.  I was even repelled at the look of the fat pieces inside the sausage skin, but kind of tried to pretend I didn’t see it and just get it down.  

Suddenly, in one split second of paying attention to what I was eating, my greatest pleasure, food, fatty food, was no fun at all.  And this is a 395lb woman who is talking! 

How could it BE that a previous binge food, fatty sausage, anything fatty for that matter, had suddenly turned unappetizing, distasteful and unappealing in texture??  Even disgusting? 

I suppose it was because I did one simple thing. 

I paid attention.  

The peach incident brought the entire event into perspective.  If I was able to throw away a peach that I didn’t care for, I would soon, although I wasn’t able to this morning, be able to throw away excess or unappetizing or fattening distasteful food if it didn’t appeal to me - at that very moment!

I now had a choice!  For a person with no control over their food intake, I was suddenly feeling empowered! 

Yet a strange disappointment initially occured as I detected no familiar ‘rush’ from eating forbidden food, automatically.  Paying attention somehow made me realize I actually wasn’t enjoying this food.  And this was the very SAME food, that when eaten automatically - would have me pining and begging and stealing more! 

The sheer fact that I was eating to ‘savor’ instead of eating to ‘escape’, as I normally do, made me so much more aware of what is truly and authentically pleasing and pleasurable to me.  This was the kind of food I normally escape with.  I never pay attention, delve in, achieve that rush of eating forbidden disgusting and fatty treats, and ultimately feel bad about me, and terribly ashamed.  And not know ‘why’. 

Well, why wouldn’t I feel bad?  I’d be crazy not to!  For instance, if I would eat rat droppings automatically, not even tasting them, just escaping, and then walked away, the sudden shame and remorse at the reality of the situation would finally sink in, and I would feel disgusted with myself. 

So it goes that every time I eat something I don’t really ‘realize’ is repulsing me.  I come away from the eating experience feeling an overall sense of guilt, remorse and shame. This feeling usually spurs on a binge (because I want to feel better) and I begin eating everything in sight to rid me of the guilt. 

With this new way of  ‘savoring’ my food, that after-binge remorse didn’t wash over me.  I was only left with a kind of a sickening ‘taste’ and sensation in my mouth from those tiny fat balls inside the sausage!  I felt bad about that unpleasant SENSATION, instead of feeling bad about ME. 

Wow!  That seems like a pretty important revelation, which begs to rest just a minute and sink in.

Dear Journal,

Why do I binge on things that I perceive to be delicious, but are most likely, in reality, disgusting?

Perhaps a reason for my binging is that I feel badly about ME and food helps me to do that.  When focusing on my fat body, the consequence of constant binging, I never take the time to focus on the things I really feel bad about in my life. 

Why would I love foods that (if I payed attention) would disgust me (like the sausage) and not even realize it???  Maybe there are other things in my life that I deny and cover in the same way. 

Maybe there are things in my life that really disgust me, but I don’t realize it. Is my perception so twisted????  I know after eating like that, I usually relive a deep and pervading feeling of ‘shame’ over and over again.  Maybe I’ll need to examine what in my life makes me feel ashamed,  because shame is a constant cloud over me.  Maybe I’ll learn to ‘savor’ food, turn away from food and turn to the issues of my life! Wouldn’t that be a welcome new focus to my existence!

I bet I’ll discover a treasure trove of deeply stuffed, shameful, painful emotions just bursting to get out. Revelation: I’m the sausage!  And I’m stuffed full with ugly, painful, hurtful things that I pack away and stuff down and refuse to pay attention to!  Time to let that all go and reclaim the beautiful lean meat of ME!!  God should only hear my words and grant them immediately!

Dear Journal,

Good insights, yet, today was tough.  Without the safety net of a ‘diet’, the day has felt pretty ‘scary’ at times.  When I looked at the clock and it was only 10:30 a.m. and not time for lunch yet, that sent me into a little bit of a panic and I felt like I wanted to binge. 

I took a deep breath, checked in with my stomach and realized I wasn’t even a tiny bit hungry.  I remembered I would be ‘savoring’ my food at my next meal when I was hungry, and the anxiety passed…without having to eat.  That was new!

It’s gotten so these days that ANY emotion sends automatic thoughts to my head saying, “You’re feeling something.  You’d better go eat something to cope with it.”  Yes, unlike some other people, I’m quite aware I’m coping with food, but have been completely at a loss for how to stop.  Can it really be so simple as simply ‘savoring’ my food and turning away from distasteful food? 

This morning, I truly ‘tasted’ my food, and I knew the eggs and sausage were gross, yet I ate all of the links and all of the eggs.  “Why did I eat that?” when it really grossed me out?  “Because it was there” is the answer that comes to mind.   Perhaps.  If that is the case, what other things do I settle for in my life – just because they are there?  My partner?  My job?, my morbidly obese body?, my house that is desperately in need of repair.

It seems the old adage ‘You are what you eat” is true.   I can only hope that I will learn that trashcans are made to be used!  And I’m not a trashcan!  Since I’m not junk, I don’t deserve junk in any sense of the word.  Be it, food, or friends, or jobs or boyfriends, houses, etc…

When it comes to food, I can learn to pay attention.  Put away the need for an escapist’s rush, and throw away food that does not appeal to me.  I can learn to pull out of automatic eating, just like a telephoto lens taking that long shot, and really ask myself, “Why are you eating that gross crap?”   

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and eat that sausage and it will taste like the most wonderful thing in the world.  I guess if I’m truly ‘savoring’ it, I should enjoy it guiltlessly. 

Until then, maybe I’ll learn from that gross sausage and start to focus on what is grossing me out about my life.  I keep my room pretty messy and sometimes I don’t shower. 

Seems like a pattern.  There is definitely something in my life grossing me out.  Maybe it’s just ME and how I’ve allowed myself to live such a empty life, rich in rich foods, but poor in so many important ways.  I hope I’ll learn I don’t have to run away into the food to escape life anymore.  Maybe I’m strong enough to cope without food. Maybe I can process my emotions...And grow up.    

I feel hopeful that one day I’ll really be able to control my eating, live at a reasonable weight and truly experience life. And all of these revelations have been made possible, just by ‘savoring’ and really tasting my food!          

Dear Journal,

Before I left for work last night, i felt anxious about what i would do for dinner. I knew since i started this new job, and since i'm getting over a cold, i wouldn't cook anything. I contemplated binging on the drive home,but i reminded myself to calm down and just plan to 'savor' whatever i decided i wanted to eat for dinner. It felt like a relief to know i couldjust get what i wanted and not have to think about getting diet food.

On the drive home, i tried to imagine how a crusty grilled cheese would taste or a crispy grilled ham and cheese sandwhich. Sounded good to me and matched what i was craving.

I ended up at the new pizza joint close to home and ordered 2 slices of cheese pizza. They were out on the counter and they looked good. Thoughthey weren't grilled cheese, pizza being cheese and bread, was pretty close.

When the pizza arrived at the table, i remember reminding myself to tune in and really taste each bite. The first bite was delicious. How could pizza not taste good? I think there are justsome foods that would probably always taste good.

On my third bite, i was surprised by my reaction to the way the extra cheeseypizza felt in my mouth. The only word i can come up with to describe it is: flabby. For a huge cheese fan like me, this was totallyunexpected.

The soggy crust wasn't as pleasing as I would havedreamed. Cosimo's Pizzaon the Hill is way, way better, a crisp, crackery bottom and not too much flabby cheese.Mark that as a note to self next time i want good pizza!

After the first peice, the thought occurred to me tonot eat the 2nd slice i ordered, but that thought was quickly overshadowed by the decision to eat it. I figured, "Let mejust get over binging and save general overeating for the next battle."

Would i binge tonight?I had been binging every night after work for the last 2 1/2 weeks since i started this job. 'Escaping' or 'decompressing' after work by binging, transfixedin front of the TV had become the standard as of late.I'd bring home a big bag of binge food, chinese food enough for 4, a carton of icecream, cheese, chips, etc.., and i'd 'entertain' myself this way. Watching TV whilebinging makes it exciting.

Bloated, sick to my stomach and zapped of all energy, I usually feel utterly numb, and disgusted by myself. After binges, i can't cope with any emotional topics, anything challenging or any chores.

Tonight, instead, after the pizza dinner, i got on the phone and i 'plugged in' instead of 'checking out', as Dr. Phil would put it. In other words, i ate my pizza, and then got busy living my life, made phone calls andhad some pretty intense conversations. This was, uh, a good, productive way to spend my time. Connecting with others, instead of connecting with food and TV. The topic of the calls, though,turned out to be challenging, but i proved to myself how much i CAN cope with without having to eat.

One conversation was with my dad. My dad and i don't really get along. We started to talk abouthim selling the boat. Iwas honest with him aboutmy feelings regarding this. He said he was sellingthe boatbecause i never used it. I knew he was selling it because he had gotten too old and weak to care for it. It felt like a coverup to accept the blame for the boat having to be sold, and i confronted him. (Pretty gutsy of me). He wasstartled by my honesty and if i read the situation correctly, he was a little intimidated by me, quickly changed the subject, and handed the phone off to my mom.

I've been bullied by my dad since i'm a child and he was intimidated by me? What amazedme is how i was suddenlyaware of howmy father covers the truth.And of how inept he is at communicating. If this was my role model growing up, no wonder i chose to eat instead of cope or communicate. I don't think i knew how!

What also marveled me was that what i was saying to him was too 'true', and it made him uncomfortable. So, he checked out and put my mother on the phone. I guess i learned to 'check' out from someone, namely dear ol' dad.

Another difficult conversation i had was with my boyfriend. I couldn't believe the things i was hearing come out of his mouth. It was as if my not binging was sent out in electronic waves through the air and suddenly, he felt more comfortable letting his true feelings be known, as ugly as they were, he let them pour out and i was able to be 'there' for him. I wasn't in a post-binge pity party, so i guess i could be there. He must have 'sensed' this. Amazing.

Our argument centered around the fact that I'm making a surprise party for my mom and dad, and he's bringing up all of the reasons why they don't deserve it and why i should cancel it. The event is a week away. Invitations are sent, everything is arranged. Not exactly the time to cancel, yet i let him air out his true feelings. What i heard was a lot of resentment, anger and hurt coming out of him.

When it was apparent he wasn't going to help me with the last minute decisions that needed to be made, I yelled at him, "I'm going through with the party, but i need your support, i need your guidance!" He seemed unable to give it. And i wished i had partnered with someone who was more able to lend support and guidance when i asked for it.

I realized also, thatmy partneris bitter over his own childhood. His mother never made him a party. In fact, he has never had a birthday party thrown for him, ever. He has so much built up anger and hurt over this, that he didn't want to allow anyone else to have a party, if he never had one.Suddenly, i wished for a partner who was notso stuck in the past and anti-social, and one who was more open to the joys of celebration and the joys of being social. I started to question my choice in him as a life partner.

What i realized from all of this is: when i binge and check out, he and I never get into arguments like this.

And i determine it was good to have this all out. I saw some negative stuff discharge from him and was amazed i actually 'saw' it and could identify it. If I would have binged tonight, that wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have been open to talking.

I also realized that it would be really nice to throw him a party. I also realized maybe we have more issues than i ever wanted to admit. No wonder i was binging so much. I feel like i took some black glasses off, or something, and that just by savoring my food, i can SEE so much more.

I wasn't hungry at all at bedtime like i usually am. Curious!

Dear Journal,

This morning for breakfast, i decided i'd try out a peice of banana chip loaf and see how i'd react to it. Not exactly a healthy breakfast, eating a fat peice of banana cake with chocolate chips in it. Would it appeal to me or turn me off like the sausage? I'd find out, but I knew for sure I'd rather choose the caketodayover sausage!

Cake didn't look like enough and didn't promise to fill me and keep me full til lunch. Oatmeal would be healthy for me and hold my appetite at bay better than just a peice of cake, so i ordered oatmeal and a peice of cake.

Back at my desk, thefirstspoonful of oatmeal tasted scrumptuous. Ipaid attention to the taste and texture and they agreed with me.

When i was finished with the small serving, i was still hungry. I'm sure if I ate a little slower,i'd be better off, but, well,'Rome wasn't built in a day.' Somedayi'll work on speed of eating. For now, savoring is a big enough chore for me.

I decided i would eat the cake now. I'd thought about saving it for later, but i was still hungry. The first bite of cake was surprising. It wasn't as delicious as the firstbite ofoatmeal had been. Shocker!

I paid attention to each bite of cake and with every bite I marveled at how eating a peice of cake in this way - paying attention - was truly not exciting me as it usedto. When you savor, it takes the emotional charge out of food, i realized. And cake without the emotional charge is just...bleh, just okay. NOW ican understand how 'normal' people could turn down a peice of cake and i never could. I was getting the emotional charge out of it, and to them itwas just....well, a hunk o'bread with some sweet things mashed in it. When you describe it like that, anyone could take it or leave it. And suddenly, though it WAS cake and i knew for a fact it was cake, when i looked at it, i mean, really examined it, it didn't thrill me. How entirely odd! Cake, whichused to be a binge food, now looked like nothing special!

I finished the cake, knowing i wouldn't be eating untillunch and it didn't seem like an excessive breakfast.

Dear Journal,

For lunch i was truly hungry. Work was crazy and i had had to run back andforth all day across two different buildings. This turned out to be quality excersize, plus, i had also built up an appetite for lunch.That's a first for awork day. I'mnormally too stuffed from AM binge, or I'd been so sedentary all day, i never burned up what i ate for breakfast.

Tuna salad was what i really wanted, but the Kiosk only had a ham and cheese wrap and i didn't really feel or have the time to walk to the cafeteria. Maybe next time, i'll choose to do that if what i desire is not available.

After unwrapping the wrap and biting in, I noticed with the first taste that the smokiness of the ham didn't appeal to me. So be it.

My first potato chipleft a greasy film in my mouth that was not that appealing, either, although the crisp and crunch ofit was.

The extra mayo i had added to the wraptasted of egg salad and for the first time in my life, i can say, i didn't enjoy the mayo i added to a sandwhich. Now, if you know me, you know that i put mayo onEVERYTHING. Truly tasting the mayo, for probably the first time, was a dissappointment. It didn't really add a pleasing noteto the sandwhich.

I finished the wrap, noting to myself that although it wasn't entirely delicious, it wasn't a far cry from a tuna sandwhich and i could live with this decision. I finished up the crispy chips and enjoyed their krackle and crunch.

I was surprised that i actually felt like a dessert, even after the cake this morning. I ordered the pudding. My firstspoonful was creamy and cool and made a 'pow' of yummy, delicious flavor in my mouth. With each spoonful i asked myself, does it taste better or worse?

With each spoonful, the answer came back, "It's losing taste." Hm.

Halfway through the pudding it really was getting tasteless. I only felt the cool and creamy texture in my mouth, but it was like there was no flavor in it. Where did it go????

Because i'm not worrying about quantities just yet, i decided to finish the pudding, but just continue to pay close attention. I marveled how with each successive bite, the pudding never gained back it's lost flavor. It was just plain gone. I finished up, but someday, i knew, i would be able to either stop at half a pudding, or serve myself only half of the pudding, KNOWING that's all i needed, and relishing in the fact that i'd be enjoying the most flavorful bites of it!

Dinner's coming up soon, it's after 5pm and i'm not hungry at all. Seems that extra pudding filled me up pretty solidly.

Well, with all of the exercise i got at work today, and with all of the attention i paid to my food today, i'm feeling so good. For a girl who just days ago felt hopeless and depressed, this is the most hopefull i've felt in a long, long time, and all from just paying attention to my food!!!

Who could have imagined???!!!

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